DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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