Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
