When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
