Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
