Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
