I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Four minutes until I can fart!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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