can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
