Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
