New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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