He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
