I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
