Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
