Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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