I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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