My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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