Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
