The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
