Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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