I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
