i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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