I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
