Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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