i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
