I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
