I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
