1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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