She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
