i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
