at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
