Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
