if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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