if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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