Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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