i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
