Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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