Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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