oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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