i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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