i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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