Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
