Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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