this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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