overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
