My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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