Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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