I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Come see our sink grown plant.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
