i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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