sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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