I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
