John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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